It lives on in the back of some people’s minds, like a siren song that never stops playing. But shutting it off is even more worrying because it’s calling out for changes which are looming closer. That’s why people think first of the children.
Divorce is the unnamed fear which you’re not ready to raise.
It’s just as well, because you’ve done none of the needed work to know what you’re contemplating. Trust me, it goes way beyond asking just one friend if they and their family surmounted any lasting pain and problems from a permanent legal breakup.
Having written countless relationship columns to answer readers’ questions over the years gave me a different perspective on divorce. Depending on circumstances, sometimes a marital split is the most logical response to partners who choose to move to their own beat.
But the answer isn’t just to break up, nor move from a shared bedroom, and not just turn your focus on getting legal advice. What you must seek first and foremost goes beyond relying on your immediate doubts, feelings, and potential misconceptions. You must seek professional counselling from a source whom you interview more than once and come to believe you can understand and trust. Yes, counselling sessions can add up in costs, but so can legal and custody battles.
Meanwhile, if you and your partner can still communicate with each other, it’s time to ask their current viewpoint on your relationship. If the response feels hurtful to you, be open about sharing those same feelings and why you have them, too.
But do not hit back with a tirade of accusations. Your expert’s counselling has already taken you farther than that.
Divorce IS tough on everyone closely involved. That’s why making a sincere and honest approach to the details that are part of the legal and personal work of adjusting your life and that of your family is essential. It affects everyone and can be overwhelming in the early stages.
Consider, as example, telling your children that you’d like them to meet with the therapists who’ll deal privately with them. Lots of luck, if you have adolescents and teens in the mix. Remember that they’ve already heard some heated arguments behind your closed door and have felt the tension in the household.
I’m not trying to scare anyone, but instead to prepare one or both of you.
Don’t get me wrong — in all these examples, it’s possible that a couple can stay together through all kinds of adjustments and new changes. Some people love the diversity of what faces them in their work life and are therefore good at managing change. But not everyone is like that. What also doesn’t work well for most people, is when one person seems to take charge — of everything — and leaves the other person in their wake. It may work for a while but can create large resentment from both sides.
Here’s my own truth, and I sincerely hope it helps you: Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of the road. It can be the beginning of a new self-confidence because you’ve learned to manage a full-time job, a workplace environment, still have a home life with the kids, and attend their sports events. And that can still happen, with both partners pitching in.
I wish the best to all who read this… especially, that you’ll start believing in yourselves again, through your innate ability to set aside that fear of being alone or left behind, and through your deep love and support of the children who, with the help of both partners, will adjust to changes which you’ll explain to them.
Now for the serious work that’s up to you: Dig into the task of reading and understanding the intricacies of Divorce Law in the legal jurisdiction where you live. If you and your partner can work on this together, fine. It’ll keep you both aware of what’s ahead.
Also, consider attending the sessions of professional counselling for yourself as reminders of what once seemed positive during some periods of your partnership. And consider too, that perhaps some situations or differences were not as contrary as you have come to believe. Learning what facts and feelings may have initiated some behaviour change in a partner, is equally important to recognize in yourself - for the present, as well as for any future relationships you may enter into.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto.
