Last week, we had a question from a parent looking for advice on how to treat an adult son living at home. She wrote: "Should a 20-year-old who is still living at home, attending university and not paying rent, have a curfew or be required to follow house rules about not coming home impaired, letting the parent know who they are with, etc., when there are younger children in the home?"
Here's what our parent educators had to say:
Once a child hits the teen years, they become very allergic to their parents' control - at 20, they're even more so. I think the best way to get through this stage of parenting is to have the same expectations you might have for a roommate, with the additional care and concern a parent might have for the well being of their young adult child.
I would and did expect my 20-year-old to be quiet and not wake me up, clean up after himself, lock the front door when he came home and take his schooling seriously if I was footing the bill. I did not pry into his whereabouts, set curfews or read the riot act on alcohol consumption. At this point, that was his business and my business was my sleep, my safety, my financial resources and fairness around household duties in the shared part of the home.
If there are more serious issues of addiction, that is a different matter and not one that more parental control will resolve. So put on a little white noise, turn out the hallway light and go to sleep.
Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars
It's your house, so your rules - sort of. But you may want to be cautious about which rules you impose. Your child is now an adult and should be treated as such. He is a member of the family and should take on adult responsibilities.
This includes helping out and taking an equal share of the load with regard to running the household. While he is not contributing financially, he can contribute by assisting with housework, minding the younger children and making meals. His job is to study and do his best at school.
Your son is an adult and should not need a curfew, nor have to tell you with whom he is spending time. He is old enough to drink, so there is a real possibility that on occasion he will come home under the influence of alcohol until he finds better balance. Young people need to learn their own limits and if you impose rules and treat him like he is in high school, he will never learn to take responsibility for his actions.
Saying that, you should have house rules for everyone's civil behaviour. If he is not coming home for dinner, he would need to give 24 hours' notice so whomever is cooking will not make too much food. He may need to know it is not acceptable to entertain guests in his bedroom or make noise into the wee hours.
Your older son needs to be respectful of his siblings and be a good role model. Explain to the younger children that their brother is an adult now and as such, has privileges and responsibilities that they may have when they, too, are adults.
The bottom line is that everyone in a family needs to be considerate of the others living in the home and share the space respectfully. Having an open and adult conversation with your son is the first step to his treating the family and his home in a grown-up way.
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator
NEXT QUESTION:
How do you warn preschoolers of very real dangers in the world around them without making them anxious? Sometimes I feel like I'm giving my three-year-old too much information. For example, I tell her that she shouldn't poke things, including her fingers, in the electrical outlet because she could die, and now she's fixated on death. And how do you warn kids not to get into strangers' cars without explaining what could happen?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
